A different look at annoying relationships: the greatest valentine advice

You certainly have, like all of us, someone in your life who deeply annoys you. You may find ways to ignore him but what to do when they actually come from people we love the most or people we can’t avoid?

Then we struggle to understand: “why the hell do they do this? I can’t accept this anymore”.

Here is a fabulous story told by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche in his book the Joy of Living on how to overcome these unacceptable situations and turn them into a love story!

 A woman I met a couple of years ago approached me to describe a problem she was having with her neighbor… It seemed the neighbor was always trying to annoy her in small ways, by tossing things in her yard, damaging her plants and so on. When she asked him why he was doing these things, he replied, “I love annoying people”.

As these petty attacks continued, the woman became very angry and found herself unable to resist retaliating in the same petty ways. Gradually the “garden wars” grew fiercer and the animosity between the two neighbors increased.

…I advised her to meditate on compassion for her neighbor.

“I tried that already, she said. It doesn’t work”.

After talking with her a bit about how she practiced, I explained that meditating on compassion involves more than trying to invoke a sense of warmth or kindness for someone we find irritating or frustrating. It actually requires a bit of analytical investigation into the other person’s motivations and an attempt to develop some sense of understanding of the other person’s feelings – that just like ourselves, everyone shares the same basic desire to be happy and to avoid unhappiness.

The following year, she approached me again, this time smiling very happily:

 “I practiced the way we talked a year ago, thinking about what my neighbor felt and what his motivation might be- how he just wanted to be happy and avoid unhappiness just as I did. And after a while, I realized that I wasn’t afraid of him anymore, that nothing he did could hurt me. It was as if, by meditating on compassion for him, I developed confidence in myself. I didn’t have to retaliate or get angry, because whatever he was doing seemed pretty harmless and small.

After a while, he started to become embarrassed. Once he realized that nothing he did was going to get me respond, not only did he stop trying to annoy me, but he actually became quite shy every time he saw me and eventually became very polite. One day, he apologized for doing all those annoying things. As I became confident in myself, he gradually developed confidence in himself as well. He didn’t have to do anything to prove how powerful or damaging he could be.”

What I really like about this story, is that we do not need to accept what other people do but by simply learning to understand that whatever their actions, they have one simple motive which is the same than ours (reduce their pain and be happy) we stop judging them from our own perspective and this naturally creates a shift.

PeeledOnion is self-help and personal development blog for all brave souls who want to take ownership of their destiny and make happiness a reality everyday! Your comments and suggestions are welcome to improve the ideas and tips shared!